Dreaming World of Trina: March 2005

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Our 3 years and 8 months Anniversary

Sunday, March 27, 2005

So Many WHY

Why has he change?
Why is he not sweet to me anymore?
Why is he not caring for me anymore?

Where has my guy gone to?
Where should I go from here?

There are hundreds and hundreds of Why and Where in my mind right now. I am just feeling so miserable in me but I think I cant express anymore. Cos today I feel I am like someone who couldnt care much anymore. Yes I still cooked his lunch etc etc but I think I given up hope on him, just let him be. Even when I saw him studying only for like 20 mins then stop, I dont says anything anymore cos that his life. I shouldnt be nagging at him. I not his Mum.

I just want my life back for now. That sweet old happy Trina that everyone loves so much.

Phone Call

Phone rang the first time, I missed it cos when I picked up its gone. Phone rang second time, picked up, a girl voice and I just knew the voice. It's the voice of that girl. YES that girl again. Dont ask me why I can remember her voice, this is just a girl thing, esp it is something related to your guy.

I told him that she called, I am sad, I am fed up cos why is the girl still calling at this point of time. Shouldnt she be gone from our life? Why is she still there? I thought I got over it, yes I did but why did she has to call?

I cant help but feeling depress but he just cant understand and blame it one me instead? Why cant he be more understanding? I am a human, I've my feelings too. I not cold-blooded.

I am crying, crying so hard but yet he just cant be bothered about me at all cos he has change so much. He just continue watching the DVD beside me. Last time he was so scare and will be so heart pain to see me angry or cry. Now? He cant care anymore. He no longer the sweet, cute guy that I fall in love with anymore. He just a stranger now to me. And I am actually crying for this stranger in my heart. My heart is breaking into tiny little pieces everyday. Smaller and smaller.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Shopping

Went shopping with Huimin today at Queen St and Stone Corner. Bought alot of things. Feeling so great after getting the stuffs, not sure why but I guess I been feel so bored and everything inside me cant says it out, and going shopping buying things is just like letting go everything etc that y I am feeling so great after that. Bought presents for my sis's children too gonna post to them on Tuesday :)

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Far View

Close View

Lunch for Him

Not sure why am I still doing so much for him when I says I want to be a new me. Like this morning before I went out for my shopping with Huimin, I actually made myself woke up at 8 plus so that I could cooked his lunch and he wont go hungry. Am I silly in doing all these??

I just love him too much I suppose or can I says now I love him more then he love me?

The lunch that I cooked for him: Sweet Potatoes Soup and Fried Udon.
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Thursday, March 24, 2005

A New Me!

I told and promise myself that I will be a new me from tomorrow onwards!!!

A BRAND NEW ME!!!

Last few days was good, Today was BAD

Last few days was good compare to last few weeks. But today it was bad just bad. Just cant understand it at all.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Selfish

Guys are so selfish!!! They seem only to be thinking about themselves and never consider about others people needs. Just hate that.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

爱很简单

Is Love really that simple? How I wish love really is so simple.

忘了是怎么开始　也许就是对你　有一种感觉
忽然间发现自己　已深深爱上你　真的很简单
爱的地暗天黑都已无所谓　是是非非无法抉择　喔~~
没有后悔为爱日夜去跟随　那个疯狂的人是我　喔~~
I LOVE U 无法不爱你 BABY 说你也爱我
I LOVE U 永远不愿意 BABY 失去你
不可能更快乐　只要能在一起　做什么都可以
虽然　世界变个不停　用最真诚的心　让爱变的简单
I LOVE U 一直在这里　BABY　一直在爱你 Oh ya~
I LOVE U　(yes I do)　永远都不放弃　这爱你的权利
如果你还有一些困惑 Oh No 请贴着我的心倾听
听我说着　爱你 (yes I do) 我爱你

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Why He Change?

Why do people change? And when they change they still dont admit that they are already different?

Why are you treating me this way? Dont you know they will make me sad? Why do you want to see me hurting this way? Is this really what you want? Why are you so different now esp towards me? What went wrong?

Someone please tell me...........

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Mails

Just now he received the bills from Three and Optus, if last time, he would just opened it as soon as he received them but this time round he didnt. Why didnt he open up the mails in the car? I was waiting for him to do that to clear my doubts on him. We had a hugh quarrel on this. I just cant stand him being so extra careful with all these little things that he used to be so open about cos he got nothing to scare of. Now he like everything so extra careful scare to let me see or touch. He is giving me those unnecessary stress etc. The more he is like that the more suspicious I am. Why cant he give me some security??? He shouted at me: Yes, I just dont want to let you see! Why must you see!?? My God, at that moment my world came crushing down. There it is standing a stranger infront of me, I not sure who he is at all. I know this is just not the man I was to be with in the future, I cant be with someone who cant even let me see or touch his handphone, bills etc etc. How is it possible to be husband and wife in this?????

Hear me cry...

You couldn't say needed someone new
You actually thought deep inside I knew
Can you tell me how can you say
Why this should suffice
You passed me by and your heart as cold as ice
(You passed me by)

Did you see me cry(Did you ask yourself why)
Did you see me cry(Did you ask yourself how)
Can you hear me cry(Did you ask yourself)
Will we ever grow apart

You, you couldn't say needed someone new
You actually thought deep inside I knew
I wonder where we will go
Will we be the same (You passed me by)

I laugh inside I think of you and the love we made (You passed me by)
Tell me why this should suffice
I hold you through the night
Now will I let it go
Soon I'll let it go

Can you hear me cry(Will you ask yourself why)
Can you hear me cry(Will you ask yourself how)
Can you hear me cry(Will you ask yourself)
Will we ever grow apart

You, I'll stand by your side
I'll be there for you (You passed me by)
You, I'll stand by your side
Please just do it right (You passed me by)

You, I'll stand by your side
I'll be there for you

Stress by Him

I really feeling so stress by him. He smoked 9 cig in a night and the reason was I am giving him so much stress by telling him how I feel. He says I am giving him stress but did he ever considered the stress that he is giving me is 100 times more?

He's not wearing our ring anymore, why my heart is hurting cos of that? Does that means he dont want the relation too? Maybe so. Anyway we both just normal friends now I suppose from what I see he is doing. No longer hold my hand, no longer cares that much for me. When was the last time he hold my hands when we went out? When was the last time that he hug me when we are watching the TV together? Maybe this is the really the time for me to let go and no longer swell on the past again cos he will never be the old kel that I want ever again.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Sweet Old Days

Just miss the sweet old days. Not sure what are the relation between me and him now. Still couple or just normal frens, I am mix up myself too. Too confuse.

Surf the net and came across this website that let you put your pics together, decided to give it a try and there is it, the pics took during vday this year. The sweet old days, once ago the ever loving couple that think nothing could break them up. And yet the smoking things did that to them.

We been together since 28 Jul 01. So this is our 4th vday together. Will there be a 5th one together?

Vday '05 at CHIMJES

Friday, March 11, 2005

Cant Face Him?

Tonight was suppose to go out for dinner but Maosheng said he is not going and I actually kind of scare just to go out with him alone. Why? I think I actually cant face him, dont know what to talk to him if there's really just him and me alone.

And I just got my phone back just now, he went with me cos was suppose to go out when he called to says he done with his class.

Called My Sis

Called my sister back in Singapore just now regarding the income tax stuff. Somehow or rather I think she heard from my voice that I am diff. She keep on asking and I just kept quiet till finally that it I broke down and cried.

Asked her not to says a word to parents else I think they would just fly over the next day.

Trying to find the calling card that I cant find for days. I just dont believe it is gone right under my eyes! Arghhh damm it!!!

I woke up this morning at 7 am, just cant sleep well. Started reading my article after I bathe, only managed to read 3 pages. Just cant concentrate.

Went to make breakfast for him instead, and pack some snacks for him so that he could eat while having his class. Not sure if he appreaciate what I am doing. Some times I just wonder why am I still doing so much and care so much for him.

I thought he will go and collect the phone with me but I suppose I will be going myself later cos during lunch he just says you going yourself or need me to go with you. I thought this is obvious if he didnt asked that he should be going with me to collect so does that means he didnt prepare to go with me in the first place that why he asked this question?

Still feeling so sad and miserable. And I am still crying right now while typing away.

Told him everything

I told him everything in me last night. I just cant take it anymore so decided once and for all settle and tell him whatever I feel. Told him I want the old Kelvyn and not the new one. Just hate the new one. Not sure if he take it in but I just want to get everything out of me. After that, I cried myself to bed.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Still doing so much for him

I am still doing so much for him when we are not together anymore. Cos I still love him so much so much that I am waiting for him to tell me he finally succeed in quiting smoking. But how long will this takes?

Bought him a card this morning and then after class went to Indooroopilly Shopping Centre to get the spray to stop his smoking craving for him. Altot I was feeling so tired, I stil asked myself to go, my eyes was half opened when I was driving and more worst is not all the drug store have this stuff. So I was like walking the whole building searching for it, spending 1.5 hrs there. Sometime I ask myself is it worth doing all these for him? Will he do the same to me? Got him a little bear with chocolates too. Tot the bear look kind of like me, waiting for someone to bring it home. Just like me waiting for him to quit and come back for me.

He let me feels that he dont care for me anymore maybe in a way this is good cos this will remind me we have broken off and that we should just treat each other as normal friends and get use to this fact.

Just like this morning, when he drove me to uni for my tutorial, the building that I was going to was my first time there, when we reached there, the building dont even have a sign that says which building is it, he just let me go down and drove away without knowing if I am in the correct building anot. Should I be sad or should I not. But anyway I was sad but I think I should just accept this truth. He no longer care for me cos I am no longer his gf. Even if I am his gf, is he still as caring as he is 1 year back? I feel things just become diff eversince we returned to Singapore for holidays.

Now that we have broke off, I cant even says anything if he really go into MIRC and get to know other girls. Will he log to IRC, seriously I dont know and will never know cos he will never tell me.

These days these stuffs just occupied the whole of my brain that I cant even have space to rest. Just feel like giving up on my studies.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

No longer together

I think everything really settle now, we are no longer an item together. We agreed that when he really quit his smoking and will never ever touch that again then we be back together. I not sure when will that be. I only now I am feel real sad, but I just cannot express myself anymore, no more tears, they are all used up.

What cant he just give me some assurance?

Last night, I think I really had a bad night with him. Broke off was the conclusion. I am sad but why there are no tears coming out? I think my tears is all use up the last few days and now even when I am so sad, I cant express anymore. I want to be able to cry out, yes cry out now but I cant, I feel so miserable.

I never knew he would makes me sad till this point, I thought he would never be the one who do this. I thought he love me more than anything, wouldnt want to lose me to anything else. I thought he was the one for me this life even any other life that we will be having. It really breaks my heart. My heart is so pain now, hurts alot alot alot. Nothing could describe the pain.

Slept at 3 am in the morning, woke up at 6.30 in the morning, left my hse at 7.35am for class. I thought he would be up early, I wanna to see him waiting there for me when I go downstairs but disappointment instead cos he was still sleeping I suppose. He let me feel that he really want a normal friends relation, cos he only called twice and even when I sent him sms, his reply was like just to normal friends or just simply dont reply me at all. Asked him why, all he answered was I just dont want to quarrel again. He simply just love to says that we are quarrelling even when we are not. Damm it damm pek chek with that sentence else he would be saying I am so tired etc why go thru this stuffs again. If he dont want to go thru then why keep on forcing me? Dont he think being normal friends would be better then in this case?

Went to uni with a very heavy heart, I was like a zombie the whole morning, cant even concentrate on my lectures so decided to skip one instead of forcing myself the sit there where my heart is just wondering around.

Back home, he was there working on the ADSL trying to make it works. I just lied on my bed looking at him, I really love him so much. I dont want to leave him but when I am trying to be serious with him, trying to talk to him on the promise, he just give me that kind of face where you will doubt he will keep the promise and try to work on it. I just need to assurance in this.

After lunch, back at home, I went to his room for the last time to see if he will be serious but no and guess what he says, what there to talk about, we had already talked for so many times why keep on talking on it? Why? Because you never give me your assurance at all that you would keep to what you have says and promise. That why! I just hate you trying to be funny even when we are having serious talk. I really need your assurance! This is so simple yet you cant give. How can I ever trust and believe you? You ask me to give in give you some time, I finally try to give in yet this is how you treat me and replied me.

Feeling more sad than ever, why are you always like that. Why cant you give me the assurance I need so much, I've already give in so much.

I think he just trying to play with me, when I give in, he feel like he had succeed and win the game. Just like it is telling him, I cant leave without him and so he can do whatever he wants and cant be bother with my feeling at all. He can do anything he like even if he hurts me cos I will still give in to him in the end.

Some Article I came across

I came across this article below, let me think if they are true or false or just dont apply to all men. Seriously, my personal views and experience, I dont think is true.

He needs to communicate with you
A lot of men need to be in a relationship more than women do. Surprising? Not really, when you think about it. Women usually have close relationships with their friends. They talk about health problems until they feel better. But men don't. As Helen Fielding's character, Bridget Jones, says, 'Women have emotions and men have football.' Men are competitive and so, in general, they rarely share their emotions or problems with each other, as they think it makes them look too weak. When he needs to open up and talk about his feelings, guess who he eventually shows his vulnerable side to? You!

I just dont think they want to talk at all to their other half about their vulnerable side. They would rather talk to someone else that would make them happy and make make them laugh so that they could forget everything.

He wants to be your hero
Knowing that he can make someone else happy makes him feel good inside, because he has the power to change things. And what bloke doesn't secretly want power of some sort? At least if he can't always be top dog at work, he can be a star at home. Instinctively, he aspires to be Spider-Man or Superman – to be your hero, to be able to make things right: to be appreciated, to be someone's knight in shining armour. So when you are disappointed or unhappy, he feels responsible. What matters is that you are happy and then he's got one less thing to worry about. Strange but true.

If they really want to be the woman's hero, they shouldnt make them cry at all esp when the woman is so concern and worry about them. If they want the woman to be happy they shouldnt do things that upset them esp when they know real well that it would surely hurt them. They should really think before they do something.

He strives to make you happy
The number one reason men leave relationships is because they feel as though they can't meet their partner's needs. This makes them feel inadequate, and it makes them feel as though there's no way their partner can feel respect for them. For women, communication seems to be the top priority in keeping the relationship going – but, quite honestly, men don't understand this constant need to talk about things over and over.

For men, the relationship is a success if they feel respected and if they make their partner happy. This is why a new conquest is exactly that – he feels as though he is in charge – he is once again someone's knight in shining armour.

Do they strives to make woman happy? Maybe at times but not every time. Cos that where I am now and he not making me happy at all. But at times I really know he trying to make me happy by doing things that surprises me. But now I not happy at all cos what he do really make me so upset and miserable.

Sex makes him feel loved
Sex has the same effect on men as romance does on women. So the reverse is also true: no sex = no love, no approval, no acknowledgement. They get that same sad, unloved feeling that you get when you don't get flowers, your partner looks at other women or ignores you.

You are his (secret) reason for living
He needs you because you inspire him to do better – he has someone to do things for, goals to reach, a reason to go out and conquer the world. What's the point of being disgustingly rich and powerful if there's no one to share it with? What he needs is the gift of you.

I dont think I am reason for living, if it is then why he is doing so much things that makes me so sad.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Lost

I am so lost really lost, not even knowing where I am now. I cant concentrate on my studies, tutorials, assignments and case studies are piling up. I feel suffocatated.

We had a final talk just now, even Maosheng talked to us this time round. But I just cant accept he smokes, he knows that real well and this makes me so sad and miserable. If it is last time, he know I am not happy he wont go and do it. This time I dont know what happen, he dont care about how I feel anymore even when he knows I am so depress etc. All he want to do it to smoke and smoke. Maosheng pull him back to the room to have a good talk with him. Afterthat Maosheng says he is willing to change etc etc, but when he himself came over to talk to me, he just let me feel he is not willing to change cos his starting sentence was "Why cant you accept I smoke" Oh mine! What he and Maosheng told me was 2 different things.

To make things worst, the girl he talked to the other night sms me tonight saying that he got a vietnam girlfriend, MY GOD, I nearly fainted but there no tears coming out anymore, I am in a stage where I am so sad till there are no tears anymore when I saw that sms, everything just came crushing down on me. What is happening to our relation?

Now I just want to find some place to hid, I am not able to face the reality anymore. All my strongness are gone. I have become so weak and no direction.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

I feel so scare

I not sure what is going on, I am so lost. I am crying and breaking down anytime of the day. Just like this morning, while driving to Sunnybank to get stuffs, I nearly broke down crying but I just speed up to like 140km/hr just to force myself to concentrate and not to cry. But just outside the resturant, I really cant take it anymore and broke down crying, even when we were eating, I just cant help it.

I feel so scare even to express myself to him. Just want to tell him how I feel and how to make me feel more secure and stuff and yet he was like more sensetive then me.

I just want things to be back to normal like last time where he can just leave his handphone anywhere without thinking of anything. Now he carry his handphone in his pocket even when he bath. What's there to be scare of if there is nothing wrong? I need him to help me build back the trust that he smash but if he keep on being like this I think there will not be any trust and will let me become more sad.

I feel so alone, so lost and so helpless. I am in a maze that I cant find the way out. I am scare real scare.

Depression

I been real sad for the past two days, and I got no one to talk to apart from telling you my dear blog. Lucky there isnt anyone looking at this blog.

Been crying for the past 2 days, I think my eyes are abit swollen. I been thru hell I guess. Caught him calling up a girl in the middle of the night at 3 plus. My heart was like broken into thousands and thousands of pieces, now I trying so hard to glue them back together, but that isnt so easy esp when he told you he was calling a campmate, and then you know it was a girl instead. More to come was, instead of chasing after me, he called the girl immediately after I storm out not for one time but twice. I wasnt so sad that he called a girl in the middle of the night, I wasnt so hurt when he told me that was a campmate but found out it was a girl instead but I was real sad by the fact that he never bother to chase after me when I stormed out of his room 3 times, and called the girl immediately after I stormed out of the room. I really cant take it. I drove out of the house at like 5 am in the morning, roaming around not knowing what to do and where to go. I was so lost. Keep on crying and crying, that I cant even see the road clearly.

With no where to go, I stopped myself at Wang Xin's place, the only place I could go. When I saw her, I just hug her and cried non-stop. I think I started to be a Baby again. Back to my depression just like the first semester I was here. He actually broke my heart so badly this time round. My heart hurts so much.

Back at home by afternoon, we quarrelled for like till 7 pm with me like trying to tell myself what had happened. That was hard I suppose real hard cos till now I was still crying and heart still bleeding.

With that matter trying to get over, he told me another news that I cant stop him or say no cos I got no choice but to give in to this. I feel real hard but do I have a choice? No I suppose. He was actually smoking, he says that was due to stress. I am also so stress maybe I should try one of these days too if that is so effective for him. Nearly broke up with him, nearly force myself to give him up, but I just cant, cos I love him so much. Am I wrong to love him so much?

I relise now I am no in any position to do anything to stop him. I feel so scare to get angry, to get sad even to cry in front of him. So I just bottled up everything. Why am I in this bad state? I dont know really dont know. Wanna talk to my sis so much but can I? I suppose I cant tell her what happen right? If I tell her, I think she would tell my parents about what had happen and that it. I know my parents will never bear to see me crying everyday and will think they made the wrong choice by letting me come over to Brissy to study.

I not sure what had I become to. I just know I cant stop crying even now typing this I am crying where I cant even see clearly what am I typing. My heart is just bleeding so much till it hurts alot alot alot. I miss my family so much, I want to go back to Singapore. But I am always left with no choice these days.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Back in Brissy and sad

Back in Brissy for about a week. I wondered is it me or Brissy, why am I always sad back here? I thought I should be happy since he is here with me yet that is not true. I felt even more sad and lonely.

Feeling so upset with him. When was the last time I felt close to him? I think that so long ago till I am about to forget what the feeling of being close? Hint to him, told him straight in the face even make the first move well I guess that make me so damm ***** and ***** yet what did I get in the end? Nothing but the same rejection, reaction and answers from him. Maybe we been together for too long that he no longer feel attract to me. No matter what I says doesnt bother him at all, and he can just treat nothing happen the next day or even the next moment. Isnt that sad? Being close mean so much to me yet he just cant understand. Being close just shown how much we feel about each other, how much we love each other etc. My heart is like a thousand pieces now. So hurt and painful.

Seriously, I been thinking so much these days even back in Singapore when we are having our holidays. Are the both of us suitable together, maybe that is not that case and we should just let each other go. What the use of hanging on to the relation when he's like no longer interested in me? I dont feel love at all. I dont feel close to him at all. But he claim he did so much change for me but I am just trying to pick on him everyday.

I just hate the feeling he is giving me. I gave him back his ring 2 days ago and the donkeys he bought for me in Brissy last night.

Sleeping is so much more important to him then trying to make me have a change of heart and trying to be close to me. Just like today, got home and that it he is sleeping again. DAMM IT! EVEN THE MATTRESS IS SO MUCH MORE ATTACTIVE THEN ME!!! ARGHHH!!! WHAT IS THIS!!! How could I still be together with him, I am worst than a mattress. Oh my GOD!!! I think he should just get himself a maid and a mattess would be enough for him cos I think that what he needs most and not me.

I have never ever been so down in my life not even what happened between me and Tingfeng had affect me so much. I just felt so lousy, no use at all.

Maybe I just a lousy girlfriend afterall that he cant even be bother with me.

Dreaming World of Trina