Happy Face, Unhappy Heart?
Have anyone ever wonder if the person in the photo is happy or unhappy even when he or she was smiling?Well, for me for the past 3 months, I guess mine was happy smile yet unhappy heart in almost 99% of the pic I took. Everytime whenever when I settle down in bed, my heart start to ache so much that I felt as if my heart is bleeding and crying out for help but I realise I just cant express it anymore on my facial expression. I think this is a good thing because at least my family and friends would not know I am actually unhappy deep inside me. Dont want anyone esp my family to be worry for me. But I am not happy!!!
The KL trip and the Genting trip did make me stop thinking for awhile but once I settled into bed, getting ready to sleep, I still feel sad altot I really enjoyed both trip just that maybe cos of the tension between Kel and me is really upsetting me lots.
For the past few days since I returned from KL, starting from Sat night, Kel and me are getting worst. His words just got me so confused, we didnt spoke on the phone just smsed each other. I just dont trust him. My sixth sense told me he was out, I not sure why but I just felt that, true enough he was really out with his fren. You know I never like him to be out late at night not cos I am scare that he will be out with girls but I just feel uneasy esp right now when our relation is so rocky. To think that, here he was trying to win me back, yet there he was out so late till early in the morning hmmm this wasnt doing him any good cos he know I never like him out late. Maybe is due to my upbringing that why should anyone be out till so late when he/she should be in bed in such an unearthy hour. And those sms he replied me from Sat night till Sun, do make me really doubt all his words he smsed me in Aussie and those poems he sent me everyday for the past few months esp words like "Dear, I really miss you." "Dear, pls forgive me.", "Dear I know I am wrong, give me another chance pls?" etc etc etc. All these words, I really do doubt him after those replies from him starting from Sat to Sun. Just 1 day plus he made me lost even the little ting mini hope of him. And what worst was, I got so pissed on Sun that I called him to ask him stop bothering me. I was disappointed cos U know I thought when I called the first thing he would said was "Dear, I miss you so much!!!" "I really need you, pls dont leave me!" etc etc but nothg like those came out from his mouth. What came out was just some stranger in an agressive and demanding tone asking why do you always presume and assume things etc etc. Sometime I really felt so dishearted, that his words seem to be turning here and there. One moment he would be saying how much he miss but yet the next moment he would just start to say "when u angry, you can go out and talk with your friend till 11 pm." "if your parents dont give u crefew you will go out till even later." etc etc. These answers from him just spoilt everything. I just hate him. And the thing I hate most is when he says "WHY CANT YOU JUST LET GO, WHY KEEP ON CLINGING TO THE PAST?" ETC. But did he realise that if I could really let go I wouldnt be so miserable right now, you think I dont want to let go? But how can I be able to when he only know how to says but never help me to get over (he even replied me when I told him this that "I did help! I help u by not calling other girls!!!" TMD what is this kind of help? Do you know I felt so lonely? Everytime in Aussie, while he's gone to uni, I just felt sad that I actually sat on my computer chair and started crying and crying. But when he came back I just act normal. I needed him so much to help me get over all the past hurting that he did to me, yet where is he when I need him? All he did was just repeating the sentence I wrote in CAPS!!! I just hate him, so much so much right now!!! And another thing he mentioned to me was "pls asked your frens to stop spreading rumours like I went out late at night to drink etc etc." But he could never imagine that the one who says this wasnt my friend, it was in fact his friend!!!! Surprise!!!
I think the conversation between him and me from Sat night till Sun really makes the whole thing worst. And the thing with him keeping on using his hp to call me makes me uneasy too cos for him there is no trust at all right now and with him using his hp to call me doesnt make it any better cos it would make me just think maybe he is outside that y keep using hp to call. Even when I told him that if he want to call use home phone, I made it clear to him that I dont feel good when I saw his hp num on mine but still he continue with it, so tell me how could I possible trust his words? All he could tell me was cos he is in the room, the home phone is outside so using hp is more easy but if he cant even make himself walk out of the room to call me, what does this show? This just show how much effort he would put in winning me back!!! If he cant even fulfill this simple request, how could he fulfill the others that I told him? Now already I cant trust him, if really we get back together, how do I maintain this relationship? I just dont feel secure when he not beside me.
Feeling so sad and disappointed right now. Was supposed to be blogging about my KL trip with Sharon yet what I am blogging right now is all the unhappiness in me. I just need to get them all out!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!! Why dont I die right now right here to solve all my misery???
Why other ppl could meet their prince and get marry living happily ever after except me? What I want is just a simple life, a loving, caring, understanding hubby who will treat me like a precious baobei baby princess never hurt me with anythings, lies etc. Is all these too much to ask for?
posted by Tritri @ 9:22:00 PM
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