Should I be sad or happy?
He finally made up his mind last night to stay and carry on with his studies. But how come I not feeling the happiness that I suppose to be when he stay? Or is it the stress in me that cant get away?He told me he die die will be going back to Sin in june. So is either 1) go back with him or 2) stay back along in Brissy wait for parents to come.
But did he think the stuffs behind this 2 choices? No!
Choice 1.
Going back with him is easy, infact I think my parents might even be more happy to have me back in SIN, so they wouldnt need to travel all the way to Brissy for my grad, since there is an international grad in SIN! SAVE MONEY for them! And after that I have to stay in SIN for good, so no way flying back to brissy, accompany him for 6 mths. I save money too! The saving is like at least $1200 x 6 = $7200 wow that alot right? So even if my parents (which is like 0 %)let me come back I spend even more cos plus the airfare that be adding to like $8700. Haha seriously where do I get this sum of money? Ya from my life saving so when I get back to SIN I be like 0 cents in the bank! I tot moving hse would be good cos at least we be saving money on one room, even when we got to pay empty rent for 1.5 month, cos I know him too well that he want to go back right after the exams. But yeah, he just dont want to cos he want to go back to sin right after the exams and still mentioned that I says in the first place that I cant share a room with him so why now? Ya that what I said but parents will be here for grad so they wont be coming again, so they wont get to know, sometimes he really love to throw all these hurting words back at me without thinking is this applicable to the situtation. So i be like spending extra $1000 for rent and if I go back with him another $1500 on airticket. This sum of money is just like so easy to get hold of for him? Where do I vomit out this sum of money?
Actually I dont mind cos back last sem I have already calculated I be having 0 cents when I stay for one sem without parents financial help but it be worth doing for him, spending this sum of money cos he been really good to me, my perfect BF. You know I really love him so much, he's my life, all that I want. I want to be there with him together for another sem so that he wont feel so alone and will only need to go thru one sem of me not being able to be there in Brissy for him. I want to be there for him cos I be able to celebrate his 25th bday with him, celebrate our 4th Year anni together and my bday too :)
But now, after what he did from Day 1 we reached Brissy this sem till last night, those words he said about going back, I am not sure anymore. 5 days is better then him not being able to go back at all. Wow you know is only 5 days that my parents be here. And he says is enough! Seriously, for here is he selfish or am I being selfish? Even Don wouldnt go back to sin without Wang Xin. He want to leave me here for 3 weeks without a soul here and even told me, he's going back to sin right after the exams. So I need to get everything done myself. Yeah, isnt that good, I get to be indep again! He is really training me into not needing him in any situtation har?
I know he wanna go back to SIN so much that he will go mad if he stay here any longer. But I tot the other time back in Indoor food court, we have this talk too and I tot we agree that we will travel around Aust? No, cos he dont remember at all, dont remember anything that would stop him from going back. No even me?
Choice 2.
Stay here alone for 3 weeks and wait for parents to come. Wow this is great, staying here alone, yeah really along this time round cos everyone is going back to SIN and Wang Xin parents is coming to find her. So I be alone is this insercure house, dining alone, alone doing all the things etc. Where do I find all these strength and courage to do and face everything alone. I am so scare being alone in this insercure house, that anyone could just get in. And what do I do when I am alone? Most properly I am the one going mad by the time parents are here, and he come back the day before school starts. haha and oh ya he not attending my grad! Isnt that sad? My bf is studying at UQ the same uni as me and he wont be attending my grad cos he would rather stay in SIN for a few more days! Is this a joke? Well, anyway I got 4 months to accept this. He was so happy telling me that I told you this long ago that I will go back to SIN in june! So I will just need to accept this.
I be here cos of him, cos of him I staying back one sem. But he just let me feel that all this is necessary and not I doing it out of love for him. And even said that he the one always giving in to me, so does that mean I am so bad that keep on forcing him to do things he dont want? So even for smoking, he is still smoking and I already kept quiet, so does that means I not giving in etc etc? That sentence hurts alot alot. Suddenly I feel, what I am doing is just not worth, cos he not appreciating. I just feel like dying, just go back in June and not coming back anymore. Maybe I should just do that. I can even get a car when I go back with the sum of money I save. And start looking for a job straight away.
posted by Tritri @ 7:12:00 AM
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